:) Practical Buoyancy

kaaayrutledge: There’s a new Hyperbole and a Half, you guys,...

Fri, 10 May 2013 10:43:01 -0400

kaaayrutledge:

There’s a new Hyperbole and a Half, you guys, and it is spectacular.

Photo

Fri, 10 May 2013 10:40:33 -0400

Why I'm ditching my "Optimist" identity.

Wed, 01 May 2013 20:40:39 -0400

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been happy.

Like, REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY happy.

Apparently, the rest of the world thinks so, too.

From Xanga to Facebook, anonymous notes to candid family encouragement, what is perceived to be my top contribution to society is my unwavering optimism.

According to StrengthsQuest, “Positivity” is my top strength as a human being. I am exceedingly positive and optimistic in every single high and low of my life - and absolutely nothing can bring me down!!!!!!!!!

It is exhausting.

It is also a lie.

The origin of my “optimism” is rather easy to identify. When I was 12, my mother was told she had three years to live. While my dad and mom traveled across the country to find a cure, I stayed to pick up the pieces of my shattered family. I was a young, broken girl who had three younger brothers looking to her for assurance, for answers, for explanations…

I had none of these things.

So I chose to be optimistic.

& it has spiraled. For years, as a solution to every problem, I have told people to “chin up!” I have promised all will be okay. I have negated flaws and inconsistencies to prove that any and every situation is truly excellent. I have suppressed grief, anxiety, and deeply rooted fear to put a miracle rainbow band-aid on everything I couldn’t handle in my life or others’.

Though it has served me well, it’s just not a sustainable way to live.

I have spent the past year of my life facing wave after wave of death, heartbreak, tragedy and hopelessness. Scarring moments litter my life story where my innocent, childish naivety once thrived. I have never felt deeper pain, nor experienced such penetrating bouts of loneliness as I have since coming to Northwestern.

Throughout, I entered a viscous cycle of self-flagellation. Every ounce of pain I felt was exacerbated by my Optimist Identity screeching, “Stop it! You are supposed to be the happy girl! What is wrong with you? GET. UP. I SAID GET UP.” I was a walking contradiction, a girl known and praised for her smile, but who experienced a world crashing down behind it.

Keeping up with this all-encompassing identity is one of the most oppressive forces in my life. I am so sick and tired of ruining myself and twisting my heart to accept a world that I created… a world which doesn’t exist.

I am done with my optimist identity. I am done warping reality to serve my benefits and sustain my ego. I am done holding responsibility to myself for bringing an irrational ideal to this world and calling it true. I am done with refusing myself the grace to feel the entire spectrum of human emotion.

There is a way to feel deep and enduring joy that is utterly incompatible with the white-washing optimism I have exhausted myself trying to maintain.

There is beauty in tragedy. There is hope in a broken home. There is faith in a broken heart. I can weep, grieve deeply, and hold closely the realities that construct our life narratives. I no longer need to negate the truth of loss and pain; I can embrace these things as well as the gorgeous reconstruction and redemptive work that follows.

It has taken me waaay too long to even begin accepting that I do not have to be the eternal optimist.

Guys, I am not even twenty yet. I am still creating and rewriting who I am and trying to understand if either are even possible.

Losing my optimist identity and simply letting myself be an instrument of Christ is perhaps the most liberating and terrifying freedom I have ever experienced.

It is impossible to be fully optimistic and fully alive.

At least for me.

We all write our own stories, no?

♥mi

After I say/do something really embarrassing

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 16:57:31 -0400

whatshouldwecallme:

Whenever I see a puppy

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 16:55:50 -0400

whatshouldwecallme:

When I'm waiting in line to buy a specific food item and there's only a few left

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 12:51:09 -0400

whatshouldwecallme:

Studying

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 12:44:07 -0400

whatshouldwecallme:

Freshman year:

Now:

The three of them spoke at the same time; Hermione said,...

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 12:43:34 -0400

The three of them spoke at the same time; Hermione said, “the Cloak,” Ron said, “the wand,” and Harry said, “the stone.”

"Education is the silver bullet. Education is everything. We don’t need little changes, we need..."

Thu, 21 Mar 2013 00:59:22 -0400

“Education is the silver bullet. Education is everything. We don’t need little changes, we need gigantic, monumental changes. Schools should be palaces. The competition for the best teachers should be fierce. They should be making six-figure salaries. Schools should be incredibly expensive for government and absolutely free of charge to its citizens, just like national defense. That’s my position. I just haven’t figured out how to do it yet.”

- Sam Seaborn, The West Wing, “Six Meetings Before Lunch” (via books-feminism-everythingelse)

Cinnnnnnnaaaaaaa

Mon, 18 Mar 2013 11:00:41 -0400

Cinnnnnnnaaaaaaa

"Suffering is deepest and most severe when it is the spiritual suffering called despair that leads to..."

Mon, 18 Mar 2013 10:28:24 -0400

““Suffering is deepest and most severe when it is the spiritual suffering called despair that leads to cynicism. That is the worst kind of suffering. It is part of the problem that perpetuates hatred, injustice, and unnecessary violence.””

- Karen Baker-Fletcher

A Year's Progress

Mon, 18 Mar 2013 01:04:44 -0400

peoplecallmethings:

January 1st:

March:

lolololololol I only blog around midterms/finals.

Mon, 18 Mar 2013 00:06:38 -0400

lolololololol I only blog around midterms/finals.

Photo

Mon, 18 Mar 2013 00:05:47 -0400

Photo

Sun, 17 Mar 2013 23:52:30 -0400

"You will tell me you have just learned love; I will tell you that you have just learned hope."

Sun, 17 Mar 2013 23:47:53 -0400

“You will tell me you have just learned love; I will tell you that you have just learned hope.”

- William Faulkner - Light in August (via chasingtrains)

joyofthedayphoto: If you carry your childhood with you, you...

Wed, 13 Mar 2013 13:04:07 -0400

joyofthedayphoto:

If you carry your childhood with you, you never become old.
-Tom Stoppard

joyofthedayphoto: When the past calls let it go to voicemail....

Wed, 13 Mar 2013 13:03:32 -0400

joyofthedayphoto:

When the past calls let it go to voicemail. It has nothing new to say.
-unknown

emphasisadded: For my Husband...

Wed, 13 Mar 2013 13:00:32 -0400

emphasisadded:

For my Husband [via: thekimenator: thedailycourtney]

OH MY GOODNESS WHAT IF I WAS A TEACHER AND I LIVED IN CHICAGO AND I HAD A PET SAMOYED NAMED ZAZZY...

Thu, 07 Mar 2013 01:12:17 -0500

OH MY GOODNESS WHAT IF I WAS A TEACHER AND I LIVED IN CHICAGO AND I HAD A PET SAMOYED NAMED ZAZZY AND EVERYTHING WAS BEAUTIFUL